We Learn From Our Family Members That Lying Is Wrong. This Is Called

When you catch your child in a lie, it's natural to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and frustrated. Simply here'southward the truth: lying is a normal child behavior problem. It needs to be addressed, but for most kids, it's not a character flaw, and it'southward not an issue of morality.

Instead, lying is the immature and ineffective way they choose to solve a problem. Rather than fix an underlying problem, your child lies about it.

If your kid doesn't consummate his homework, he solves that problem by lying and telling yous he did. If your child doesn't become dwelling before her curfew, she lies about why. Or about where she was or who she was with. Lying is used to avoid consequences rather than face them.

I believe that with kids, lying is used every bit a faulty problem–solving skill. And it's our task as parents to teach our children how to solve those bug in more constructive ways. Sometimes that ways addressing the lying directly, only other times it ways addressing the underlying behavior that fabricated the prevarication seem necessary.

In this article, I explain the various reasons why kids lie and how to handle specific lying situations.

Kids Lie To Avert Trouble

Most oft, kids lie to avoid trouble. Let's say they've gotten themselves into a jam because they did something they shouldn't have done. Maybe they broke a rule, or they didn't do something they were supposed to exercise, like their chores. If they don't take another way out, rather than suffer the consequences, they lie to avoid getting into problem.

Again, in my opinion, the primary reason kids lie is that they don't have another way of dealing with a problem or conflict. Sometimes it's the only style they know how to solve a trouble. Information technology's a survival skill, albeit a faulty i.

Kids Lie to Individuate From Their Parents

Sometimes kids apply lying as a manner to go on part of their lives carve up from their parents. In psychology, we phone call this individuation, and it's quite normal.

At times it may even seem that they make up needless lies almost things that seem footling. It can be baffling to parents.

And, of course, children lie when they think the business firm rules are also strict and they decide to disobey them.

Let's say yous take a xvi–year–old who isn't allowed to wearable makeup, but all her friends are wearing information technology. So she wears it outside the house, then lies to you almost information technology. Lying may become a fashion for her to take you believe she's following your rules and still do typical teen activities.

Kids Prevarication To Establish Identity

Kids will utilize lying to establish an identity, even if that identity is imitation. This tin can be used to print their peers, possibly in response to peer pressure. Your child might prevarication to his peers about things he says he'due south washed (that he hasn't) to make himself sound more impressive. This is non unusual, and we all know adults who withal do this in one way or another.

Kids Lie To Go Attention

When your child is young, and the lies are inconsequential, this behavior may simply exist his way of getting a little attention. This is normal.

Younger children also brand up stories during imaginative play. Understand that this is not lying but rather a style for them to appoint their imaginations and beginning to make sense of the earth effectually them.

So, when a modest child says, "Mommy, I just saw Santa fly past the window," I call up it is very different from an older kid who says, "I finished my homework," when he hasn't.

Kids Lie To Avoid Hurting Other'southward Feelings

At some indicate, almost people acquire how to curve the truth in order not to hurt other people's feelings. If someone asks yous if you like their new shoes, and yous don't, you might still say, "Hey, those look bully on yous" instead of being completely honest.

Merely kids don't have the same composure that adults do, so it's oft more comfortable for them to lie instead. This blazon of lying is a first step toward learning how to say something more than carefully.

Indeed, nosotros teach our kids to prevarication when we say, "Tell Grandma yous like the present even if yous don't considering it will hurt her feelings otherwise."

Nosotros accept a justifiable reason—nosotros don't desire to injure someone'southward feelings who's gone out of their manner for us. All the same, we are still teaching our kids how to curve the truth. And again, this is normal.

Lying in Children is Not Usually a Moral Issue

I don't believe lying in children is a moral upshot. Therefore, I think it's imperative non to take information technology personally if your child lies.

Indeed, near kids don't lie to hurt their parents. They prevarication considering there's something else going on. The important function for you every bit a parent is to address the behavior behind the prevarication. If yous're taking it personally, you're probably angry and upset—and not dealing with the behavior that led to the lie.

Here's an instance. Allow'due south say your child didn't practice his homework, simply he told you lot he did. When you detect out that he's lying and face up him, he confesses and explains that he was playing sports with friends after schoolhouse, and that'due south why he didn't exercise his homework.

At this point, you accept a option to make every bit a parent. Either you can focus on the fact that your child lied to you, or y'all tin can focus on the fact that he did not complete his homework.

I strongly recommend that y'all focus on the underlying beliefs—the homework not beingness completed. As your child improves the underlying behavior, the reason for lying will go away. He won't need to lie.

In contrast, if y'all yell at your kid well-nigh the lying, about being betrayed, or about being disrespected, then that's all you're going to be able to address. Your child will shut downward. And you're not going to exist able to deal with the real effect of your child ensuring that his homework is completed.

The bottom line is that your anger and frustration almost the lie is not going to aid your kid alter the beliefs (not doing his homework) that made the lie necessary for him.

So lying is not strictly a moral issue; it'southward a problem–solving event. Lying is a lack of skills issue and an avoiding consequences effect. Your child isn't lying considering he is immoral; he's lying considering he can't figure out how to get his homework done on fourth dimension.

Most kids know right from wrong—that's why they're lying in the first place. They don't want to make it trouble for what they've washed, and they're using lying to solve their problems.

That ways our kids demand better problem-solving skills, and you can respond equally a parent by helping them piece of work on their ability to trouble-solve, which can be accomplished with constructive consequences that teach your child how to trouble-solve.

Pick Your Battles: Focus on the Serious Lies

I believe it'due south the parent's job to determine which lies are serious and which are not. And the well-nigh serious lies pertain to unsafe, illegal, or risky beliefs. Therefore, I recommend that you lot pick your battles and focus on the serious lies.

For example, you lot may hear your child say to another child, "Oh, I similar that wearing apparel," and so later on in the car, they tell you, "I didn't like that dress." You lot might decide to confront your child virtually this contradiction. But you might also let it become, particularly if this happens only occasionally.

But if they're lying about something risky or illegal or dangerous, you must address it. And if it's nigh risky sexual behavior, drugs, or other harmful activities—you may need to seek some help from a professional.

So pick your battles. Focus on what's important.

What to Do If You Catch Your Child in a Lie

If you catch your kid in a serious lie, I recommend that you practice not react immediately. Instead, send him to his room so you can calm down. Talk with your spouse or a trusted friend or family member and come up up with a game plan. Allow yourself time to think most how to handle the situation.

Recollect, when you respond without thinking, you're non going to be effective. And so give yourself a little time to plan this out.

When you do talk, don't argue with your child near the lie. Just state what you saw, and what is obvious. You may non know the reason for the lie, simply eventually, your kid might fill you in on it. Again, but state the behaviors that you saw.

The conversation might become something like this:

"I got a telephone call from our neighbor. She saw you sneaking out of your window. And I noticed that you were falling comatose at the kitchen tabular array this morn at breakfast. Simply y'all told us that yous were home all nighttime."

And and then say to your teen:

"In that location'south going to be a consequence for that. You're not going to be able to stay over at your friend's house next weekend. And we're concerned well-nigh where yous went."

Leave the door open for him to tell yous what happened.

Remember, country what you lot believe based on the facts y'all have. Do information technology without arguing; just say it matter–of–factly.

"We have this information, we believe it to exist true, and these are the consequences."

Keep it very simple and mind to what your child has to say, simply be business firm.

How to Address Chronic Lying: Stage a Lying Intervention

If your child lies chronically or lies about unsafe, risky, or unhealthy behavior, I remember information technology makes sense to address the actual lying in addition to the underlying behavior. You can practice this by staging a lying intervention.

A lying intervention is a planned and structured conversation about lying behavior. This conversation lets your child know what you've been seeing, and it gives you a take a chance to tell them that you are concerned.

Hither are some things to go along in mind when staging an intervention.

Plan the Intervention in Advance

Recollect nigh how you're going to intervene in advance. Plan information technology with your spouse or co-parent. If you're unmarried, ask another close developed family member to be there with y'all.

When this consequence came upwardly with our son, my husband James and I planned out what we were going to say, how we were going to react, and even where we were going to sit.

Nosotros decided we were going to be every bit neutral and unemotional as possible. Nosotros identified the problem behaviors we wanted to address. Nosotros too decided what would exist the consequences for our son's beliefs.

We did all of this ahead of time.

Be Specific About the Lying Behavior

When you're talking with your child, exist specific about what you saw and what the problems are. State your intentions calmly and matter-of-factly:

"If the lying about homework continues, this will be the consequence."

"It'southward obvious you snuck out last night. At that place will be a event for that beliefs."

Think, it has to be a outcome that you lot tin and will follow through with.

Go on the Intervention'southward Bulletin Simple

Keep information technology very focused and unproblematic for your child. Concentrate on the behavior. Then tell him that you lot want to hear what was happening that fabricated him feel he needed to prevarication.

Understand that you are non looking for an excuse for the lie, but rather to identify the problem your child was having that they used lying to solve.

Be direct and specific. The intervention itself should be quick and to–the–signal. Don't lecture your child for a long time. Think that lecturing is not going to exist helpful. Kids simply tune that out. They've heard it over and over. They terminate listening, and goose egg changes. Lecturing is ineffective.

Have Time to Listen to Your Child

Because lying is most likely the way your child is trying to problem-solve, brand certain you lot indicate that yous desire to hear what'southward going on with her. Let your child to explain herself and exist prepared just to mind.

She may not exist ready to talk with you about it initially. Therefore, but be open to hearing what your child's trouble is. Yous want to create a safe surround for her to open up to you.

But if your child is non ready, don't button her. Instead, just reiterate that yous are willing to heed whenever she wants to talk. Effort to be patient.

Related content: How to Talk to Your Child About Lying

A Word about Magical Thinking

Be aware that kids and adolescents are prone to engage in what psychologists call magical thinking. Your child engages in magical thinking when he convinces himself that his lies are true. Understand that your child doesn't want to believe he's a liar. No ane wants to be known as a liar.

So yous'll see kids who've gotten caught smoking at schoolhouse say, "No, I wasn't smoking"—fifty-fifty though the fume is even so in the air. That's magical thinking.

And when you lot're a kid, y'all think that if yous keep repeating the same affair over and over over again, it volition magically exist true.

Moreover, if your kid gets away with a few lies, he will start thinking he should exist able to get abroad with them the next fourth dimension. The lies get more and more than abundant—and absurd.

But it's your job equally a parent to say in a matter–of–fact way what you lot feel is the truth. Acknowledge the lie, but give the upshot for the behavior, not for the lie.

Conclusion

Realize that near kids are non going to lie forever. In all my years in working with adolescents, there were very, very few kids that I met who lied chronically for no reason. Normally, kids don't lie arbitrarily; they have a reason for doing and so, no matter how wrong that reason might be. Your child does know right from wrong, just sometimes he chooses to lie.

I understand that it's hard not to take lying personally or to be disappointed when your child lies. But merely remember, your child is trying to solve a trouble ineffectively. Our job is to teach them advisable and constructive means to solve bug and to coach them through these confusing years. Over fourth dimension, they can learn to practise that without lying.

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/