What to Say as a Weakness as a Parent in Family Court

Kid custody can be 1 of the emotionally hardest things that a person tin can become through.  Fighting over child custody or access to a child sometimes has the ability to change what would normally be genuinely caring parents into to strangers who volition do anything to win the boxing.  In essence, I like to call it 'seeing adept people at their worst'.  The problem is that children are non pieces of piece of furniture to be won.  Moreover approaching a child custody matter without your focus being solely on the best interests of the kid tin can have disastrous consequences for the outcome of your matter.

Below is a list of the things that people do incorrect in kid custody matters.

ane. Bad Mouthing the Other Parent to the Child

This is one trait that I see regularly, especially when people are deeply entrenched in legal custody proceedings for a long period of time.  It tin be as simple as a slip of the tongue to a friend in the presence of the child about how the other parent is a bad parent correct through to comments made directly to the children telling how the other parent doesn't beloved the child and 'abandoned' the child or like statements.

The problem with bad mouthing is that the only positive it brings, is to at all-time assistance you to allow off some steam.  But the negatives associated with bad mouthing or denigrating the other parent information technology has many negative consequences.

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The outset consequence and what should exist the well-nigh serious consequences of bad mouthing a parent is the impact it has on the child.  Your child does non want to hear bad things about the other parent.  Children like to have the parents resolve their issues peacefully (or at least without the kid knowing of the dispute).  Insulting the other parent to the child tin dramatically undermine the child'due south human relationship with the other parent….however what many people tend to non realise is that, as children get older, they tend to wait at your behaviour growing upward and they may well judge you lot for undermining their relationship with the other parent.

I tend to inform parents who want the children to know that the other parent abandoned them for another family etc that children are smart and perceptive.  In time the children will judge the behaviour of the parents for themselves, and information technology is this assessment will make up one's mind the human relationship that the kid has with both parents on a long term basis into adulthood.

The 2nd issue is the court volition expect poorly at any person who bad mouths the kid to the other parent (because Judges are aware of the harm it does to children).  I guarantee that even the slightest slip upwards to a child will end up getting dorsum to the other parent, fifty-fifty if y'all tell them non to say anything.  Children will inevitably tell the other parent, a sibling, family unit member or even a teacher.  Once the other parent is enlightened of the behaviour they will be more likely to include information technology in an Affidavit in support of their statement as to why they should have the custody of the children.  Therefore before the Court has even laid eyes on you, they will have in the back of their mind that you are fixated on antisocial the other person more than you care for the well-existence of your kid.  This can be a hard opinion to modify and given that it already puts yous in a bad light with the Judge then y'all have to seriously question how bad mouthing the other parent to a child will in whatsoever manner benefit you.

2. Doing or Saying things to make the Child feel sorry for you lot

This issue has similar consequences to those discussed in number 1 above.  This issue is referred to by the family court as attempting to align a child'south views to those of a parent or parental breach.  When I accept seen this behaviour ascend information technology comes near for ane of 2 reasons: 1. A parent doesn't fifty-fifty realise that they are doing it or the consequences for the child, or two. The parent wants the child to specifically know how bad the other parent as a justification for the parent's behaviour.

The first of these instances tin can ascend in many circumstances.  Some examples are: letting a child run across y'all crying excessively after an interaction with the other parent, telling the child that the other parent 'abased' y'all, telling the child that the other parent is taking you to court, telling the child you have no money because the other parent won't give you any.  The list is endless and I have seen it occur by even the most well-significant of people.

The second instance is far more malicious and is designed to deliberately hurt the other parent.  The problem with this type of behaviour is that it will damage the child far more than whatsoever injure that it will inflict upon the other party.  Examples of this behaviour is telling the child things like "Your father pays me barely anything in child back up so go ask him for money", or "I may besides impale myself because your daddy doesn't love me", or "Your mummy doesn't desire you to beloved me".

The harm this does to the child is nifty and in a lot of case cannot exist undone.  As outlined in number ane in a higher place the same results occur and again the courtroom will consider that you are trying to alienate the child from the other parent.

While going through separation is painful for both parents and co-parenting can be awkward, unfortunately parents don't have the luxury of climbing into bed and not getting out.  Children yet require you lot to be in that location for them and to retain a sense of normality no matter how small that is.  While it is easy to consider leaning on your teenage kid's shoulder for emotional comfort, this should never occur.  Remember your children are looking to y'all for guidance, not the other way around.

three. Non trying to speak to the other parent

And then you have separated from the other parent, and bluntly he or she is the last person you lot ever desire to speak to over again.  Maybe they cheated on you, perchance they spent the last of your life savings without your knowledge, maybe they work likewise much.  The reasons people separate are as broad and varied as the stars in universe.  Whatever it is possible that yous have a meg reasons to justify why you lot won't talk to him or her.  Fair plenty.  Merely you chose to have children together and that ways that regardless of the 1000000 reasons to not speak, yous accept only i reason that means you lot have to speak to the other parent: Your children.  This reason trumps all other reasons to non speak and then information technology should.

A. Your children demand you to communicate

When separated parents are able to communicate freely and easily, what you see is children who thrive, with both parents participate in the kid'south daily life.  The children still remain children with the parents remaining empowered to subject and raise the children. The fact is that stuff comes up with children on a daily basis, for example the child is sick, parent-teacher meetings occur, the child wants to get to a friends identify on the weekend, the kid has been disciplined etc.  The list is endless.

When parents are not able to communicate, the first thing that happens is that the 2 separated households (mum's v dad's) role separately and very differently from each other.  When children motion into their rebellious phase the children learn very quickly to play i parent off against the other.  The child then becomes in control and starts to emotionally blackmail each parent. For example 'If you don't get me an iPad I am going to live with dad' .  While it may sound odd, children want to be disciplined, because information technology means that they know you care.

B. The Court will react negatively if you lot don't speak

So if your children are not motive enough to learn to speak to the other parent, so how near this… When the Court determines whether articulation custody should be ordered and if not then who should accept custody of the kid, 1 of the near raised factors is whether the parents are able to communicate and speak to each other and if they are not then who is the parent who is not communicating.

Now I'm not maxim yous need to be all-time friends.  The courts are realistic and appreciate that separation tin can impact on the power of 2 people to take a general conversation nigh the daily news events, but what is required is that 2 parents are able to relay important information about the children in a civil and non-abusive manner.  And before you say…'simply I just can't talk to them'…well the good news is that you lot don't have to if you really don't wish to.  Given today's applied science, you have at your disposal email, Skype, SnapChat, Instagram, Twitter and text messages.  (I am sure my children will inform me of many more I have missed merely you lot get the point).  Many people use emails every bit a source of communication so that it can be drafted and put aside and sent at a later on date (to make sure nothing abusive is said in anger).  In emergencies people employ text messages.  I am not referring to abusive messages but 18-carat communications nearly the child.

If you still Decline to speak even subsequently the higher up then the Court will consider that y'all are not willing to promote the relationship betwixt the child and other parent.  What could result from this is but….you lot could lose custody of your child, especially if the other parent can demonstrate that they have made 18-carat efforts to speak with you lot but you take refused.

In summary, the risk to a parent by not speaking to the other parent will far outweigh the discomfort experienced by having to communicate with the other parent.

iv. Foreclose the Other Parent from having Access to the Child

To not allow the other parent access to a child (whether Court Orders exist or not) is i of the most common and yet worst things any person could practice in a Custody dispute such equally a mother withholding child from begetter in Commonwealth of australia or only denying access to a kid.  Now in saying this, there will be times when Preventing access to a child is non only in the child's best involvement simply is in fact essential to protect children from being physically or emotionally harmed.

But if there is no risk of harm to the child and then the Family Court will expect to see a parent who can demonstrate that they are willing to co-parent.  If you bring an Application for full custody of your children and cannot demonstrate either a willingness to co-parent or alternatively a very very very skilful reason for not allowing the other parent access to the children then you may find yourself losing custody of the children.  I do non say this flippantly.  This is one area that I have seen Judges hand children over to the other parent solely because one parent volition not allow the other access to the children, and this is becoming an ever increasing ruling.

So when Should a Parent Withhold the Children from Access?

Merely in the most serious of circumstances should a parent prevent another parent from having access to a kid.  Some examples of situations when the denial of access should be considered are:

• The other parent is trigger-happy towards the child (and past this I practise non hateful smacking)
• The other parent is taking drugs in the presence of the kid
• The other parent is the victim of domestic violence and the child may be exposed to this behaviour
• There is a run a risk of the child beingness exposed or subjected to sexual abuse
• The other parent may potentially expose the child to harm
• The other parent has washed or said something to make y'all believe that they will not return the child at the end of their access visit.

The basic position that needs to maintained is that unless there is a reasonable adventure that a child is at risk of damage or may not be returned then access needs to continue.  Retrieve the concerns must be reasonable and non overly sceptical or cautious parenting.
So you have concerns for your kid merely desire to maintain access?

If you lot have concerns regarding the other parent having access to the children but still wish to allow access to continue, you may wish to consider the following options:

• You could be present during the admission visit
• Someone y'all trust could be nowadays for the duration of the access visit to ensure the safety of the children
• You could limit the access visit to shorter periods of fourth dimension or remove overnight visits (if the issues ascend due to overnight times)
• Advise contact to occur through a contact middle which is express to 2 hours and is supervised by staff (and terminated if need be) with notes taken for each contact visit.
• Require an undertaking to be signed past the other parent to either render the kid, or not undertake those activities that heighten concerns with y'all (eg. Physical discipline, non to verbally abuse the children Etc)
• Enter into Consent Orders to ensure you lot have the power to enforce the orders.

If the issue of business concern is and so serious for you lot to foreclose admission then y'all demand to strongly consider whether the other parent and children should have at the very least some form of phone contact.  By allowing telephone contact you will be attempting to maintain the relationship between the child and other parent.

Once more remember that preventing all admission without serious justification will only backlash on you and as such all possible alternate measures should be considered earlier denying access.

5. Lying to the Courtroom well-nigh Drug Use or Alcohol consumption

Drugs are prevalent in society and seems to be increasing daily, as such it should be no surprise that drug utilise or alcoholism by a parent is commonly one of the first allegations made confronting a parent in custody disputes.

Patently as a Family lawyer my advice would first and foremost exist….."Don't practise drugs" and "Don't drink to backlog".  Even so I am a realist and then if forbearance from drugs or booze is not a likely pick so don't prevarication near it.  Most people who take drugs take on a "deny deny deny" mentality.  It is this constant denial that will ruin your custody or access case.

Remember the Family Court is not concerned about your drug employ so much equally how your drug use affects the children or your ability to parent.

If y'all take taken drugs in the by, own up to it at your kickoff opportunity which ideally should be in your very showtime Affidavit.  It is important to explicate when yous last took drugs, what type of drugs you took, quantities, and nearly importantly why and how you stopped taking drugs.  It is also prudent to provide a drug exam showing that no drugs are in your organization.  By doing this you can pre-emptively defeat any allegation thrown at yous from the other parent.

If the last time you took drugs was fairly recently, then advise the court of this but don't just cease in that location.  If you take drugs on a social basis then y'all volition need to explicate to the court of when, where, how much, yous also need to explicate who is caring for the children while you are nether the influence of drugs (eg. They were in the other parents care).   In saying this, at that place are some drugs that volition be considered to alter a person'due south personality to such a caste that whatsoever prolonged employ of the drug will touch on a person'southward power to parent.

If you are taking drugs regularly (if not daily) and then you need to seriously consider whether you accept an result with drugs and deal with it appropriately.  Y'all may need to book yourself into drug and alcohol counselling or even rehabilitation.  The fearfulness of the Family Court finding out that you accept drugs should not prevent you from going into rehabilitation.  More than likely the finalisation of your custody matter volition be adjourned or delayed until subsequently you have completed rehabilitation as the court wants to see that you are in a position to have custody or access to your children.

The Family Court is not interested in your by, they are interested in your nowadays and future ability to parent your children effectively.  Then if y'all had or have a drug issue so deal with information technology upfront.  Show the court that your drugs practice non impact on your ability to parent and if you tin cease the habit if for nil other than for your children.

6. Splitting up the children

Composite families is increasingly becoming the norm in today's world.  With blended families comes half-siblings and more than complicated arrangements. When people dissever they accept a tendency to divide children up into unlike categories.  For example you have the directly biological children of both parents, then the half-biological children (children of simply 1 parent) and then at that place is the stride-children (who are the new partner'southward children).

People tend to focus on arrangements that business organization only the direct biological children and fail to ignore the other children.  The problem with this is that the Courts take into account the relationship betwixt siblings, and non just straight biological children.  The court's volition consider all relationships between all types of siblings (a biological connect will be considered more important than a pace-sibling relationship).   Moreover the Family Court do not like to separate children unless it is the terminal selection available.

Any proposal to the court to separate children may suggest to the court that you lot are non kid focussed and your proposed arrangements are not in the all-time interests of the children.

Given the above it is never wise for whatever proposal to include a suggestion that children should be split up, especially twins.  This is not to suggest that children are never separated because information technology does happen on occasion withal alternative measures need to be suggested before separation.

7. Not preparing properly for Court Specialists or Experts/ Coaching Children

One of the worst and most fatal mistakes that I run across regularly in child custody matters is people not mentally preparing themselves for Family Report interviews.  People underestimate the importance of family reports in the Court.  For some Judges Family unit Reports will be stringently followed, for other judges Family Reports volition be seriously considered but decisions can still depart from the report.  If I was a betting person I would place my money on the fact that the judge you may announced before will hold significant weight on the family unit report.  As such the family written report could make or break your claim for sole custody then it pays to make sure you are prepared.

When I say be "prepared" I do non mean tell your children what to say to the psychologist/Social worker.  I have seen many people practise this over the years, and the reason I know they accept done this is because the children tell the psychologist things similar "daddy told me to say…" or it will be the very outset matter they say when speaking to the psychologist alone and volition repeat information technology in parrot fashion.

Parents in custody disputes tend to forget 2 basic traits of children:

1. Children tin can exist honest to a fault (or at least very bad liars); and
2. Children do not like to be fabricated to choose one parent over the other.

And then how do you prepare for a Family unit Report Interview?

In order to prepare for a Family Report, you volition demand to give yourself a minimum of i calendar week to practice the following.

1. For the week leading upward to the Family Report refrain from saying anything negative to anyone virtually the other parent.  Alternatively, brand a clear effort to say and call up of 3 positive things most the other parent each day.  This will teach you to respond in a more than balanced manner to questions asked during the interview.  Remember you cannot but shut off your imminent hatred and disdain for the other parent in a matter of minutes, it takes practice.
2. If y'all don't exercise it already, (for younger children) go down on the floor and interact with your children.  Play the children's games with the children.  Teach yourself to actively engage with your children.
3. Try being as civil and respectful as possible in communication with the other parent (whether by phone, in person or past email).
4. Explain to your children that everyone volition exist speaking to a special person and information technology is ok for the children to exist honest and tell them how they feel regardless of what mum and dad desire.
5. Go the anger out of your system now.  The family written report is not the time to air your dirty laundry and bad mouth the other parent.

At the Family Written report you need to know and do the post-obit things:

A. From the moment you speak to the Family Reporter on the phone to arrange times for interviews you are being evaluated correct up until the moment you lot get dorsum in your auto to exit the interviews.

This means that everything you say in the lift and waiting room is being watched.  The secretary will report everything you lot say and exercise.  This includes whether you are interacting with your children, how yous speak to the other party when handing over the children to the other political party, any discipline, any spontaneous affection from the children, how you reply to           directions given by the family reporter.

B. Do not engage in an statement with the Other Parent

Please look to come up face to face with the other parent, their new partners and peradventure their parents.  When the children commencement run across the other parent at the interviews, delight do not foreclose them from going to say howdy.  In fact it is of import that you are seen to encourage the children to go dorsum and along between parents.  As does happen, the new partners will        be in attendance and this tends to send blood boiling.  Remember, the Family Study is Not THE PLACE to discuss your grievances.  If the other parent becomes aggressive towards you, information technology is important for y'all to try and defuse the state of affairs (remember everything rides on your ability to show your best self).

C. Do non Rubbish the Other Parent when Questioned

People tend to forget who they are talking to when having a 1 on 1 with the Family Reporter.  Think, they are not your friends.  They are judging you, assessing you and determining who should have custody!  At present is not the time to outline all your problems with his nose picking, or loud music, or the horrible TV shows he watches constantly.  Now is the time to exist selective and balanced in your concerns.

The family reporter will ask you to outline your concerns regarding the other party.  Now here is where your week of training will assist.  The key is to give a compliment sandwich…that means tell the family reporter something good almost the other parent, but and then paraphrase with something or things that the other parent needs to practise to improve his/  her parenting skills, followed with a comment to the effect that "For the sake of our children I desire to believe that with guidance he/she can observe their fashion".

 Eg.  Bob actually loves his children, however he takes drugs and has an anger issue which for the sake of the children I want to believe that eventually he may find his fashion…at least I      hope and so".

Finally call up you want to demonstrate to the Family Reporter that you are the best parent to have custody of the children and that y'all will put the children'due south interests kickoff.

8. Allowing the Children to play one parent off confronting the other

This issue tends to ascend when the parents don't communicate with each other or are competing for the affection of their children.  As a result of parents constantly fighting for their children'southward favour is that the children terminate upwards playing i parent off confronting the other and the parents then lose their ability to parent the children.

What parents don't realise is that children thrive on rules and construction.  While they may test boundaries from time to time (nearly) children when asked, want mum and dad to brand the decisions for them.  The children don't want to grow upward fast and make adult decisions merely like all children if they can sense that they could gain something (usually money, iPads or clothes) by making one parent feel guilty or frightened then children will exploit the obvious weakness.

The problem with caving into your children's whims is that it leads parents to make decisions based on fear which inevitably leads to very bad parenting decisions which are not in the children's all-time interests.

The Courts pick up on family dynamics and in my experience it is the parent who refuses to cave in to the whims of the children who may not win the affair at a interim basis but will ultimately win custody on a terminal basis.  More important than your court proceedings is the long-term emotional health of your children, and by not giving in to your children out of fear in the brusk term will hopefully result in a more level-headed person in the long term.  Afterwards all why fight so hard for your children in courtroom if you lot are not going to be the best parent you can be And create the most stable people you possibly tin.

9. Involving the children in the parental dispute/ Legal Proceedings

If yous want to upset a judge quickly, just involve your children in the court proceedings. The involvement of children in the family unit law court proceedings is and then despised by judges that I have eve seen a person be held in contempt of courtroom and jailed for attempted to bring children into the court to listen to the proceedings.

For those of you who don't know, any person under the age of eighteen years of historic period is not permitted in whatever Family unit Constabulary Court without the permission of the judge.  As far as judges are concerned this forum is for the ears of parents only.  It is inappropriate for any child to know what goes on in a court and why decisions are made.  If a child'due south wishes are to be taken into account, the courtroom'south consider that the Family Report process is the appropriate fashion to bring those wishes to the attending of the court.

Further showing a child the court documents is considered extremely inappropriate and here is why…

• Your kid may non know 1 parent takes drugs
• Your kid may not know 1 parent has had an affair
• Your kid may not believe the other parent is a bad parent even if you do
• Your child may worship the ground on which both parents walk and some information is frankly not relevant to whether a person is a good parent.
• The information in the proceedings could undermine the relationship betwixt the child and parent
• Your child doesn't want to know!!!!

Remember that in custody matters we see skilful people at their worst.  Custody proceedings can throw a lot of mud at each parent…it is not pleasant for adults to witness allow solitary children.  Let your children exist children.

x. Not putting the Best Interests of the Children first in their decision making

It is not uncommon for parents to become caught up in the separation and in doing so start to focus on but the bad things that the other parent does and their own self interests. For example "I want to live hither because it is closer to my work", "I want the children to live with me so I don't accept to pay as much child back up", "The other parent tin can't dictate to me when I will and won't see my children".  The listing goes on and on….and I am sure I have seen nigh of information technology over the years.

What is non done often enough and withal is without a dubiousness the about important thing always considered in Family Courtroom custody matters is parents making decisions which are in the best interests of the children.

People tend to interweave their ain agendas and fashion them in a manner to try and justify how their conclusion is in fact in the best interests of the children when in fact the determination that is made is solely well-nigh "winning" or about "the parent hurting the other" or "not letting the other parent go what they want"…this list is endless only the main theme is selfishness.

At present before I go lashing of detest mail, I am not suggesting all decisions made are done and so out of selfish ways but I volition say it is non an uncommon trait that I have seen over my many years in Family Law.

So how practise you brand sure that yous are putting your children starting time?

This Is simple to determine.  Whenever y'all are nearly to make a decision regarding your child ask yourself this question "Is what I am about to do truly in the best interests of my child or am I getting something out of it?"  If the answer is aye, and then your determination is putting the children first.  If the reply is no or perhaps, then your determination is not for the benefit of your children and as such is not the correct course of action.

Remember ultimately the Family Court MUST make a conclusion which is in the all-time interests of the children.  While the judges await at many factors to assist in determining what is in the best interests of the child, they are nonetheless just humans who are making decisions having regard to their own experiences of what they consider is practiced parenting or not.  Every bit such make sure you don't shoot yourself in the foot prematurely past doing something foolish in your custody matter and of grade, every bit always, if you aren't sure if you are doing the right matter….And then Get legal advice.

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Source: https://www.qflp.com.au/10-things-people-wrong-child-custody-matters

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